Monday, 25 December 2006

Why The Left Sucks WORLD TOUR! 1

It Began In Amerikkka: The Maoist Internationalist Movement

In the big list of weirdos and vagabonds that litter the history of any movement, the Left included, some really stand out. Posadaists, for example, are acracking old bunch - a strange crew of Trotskyists who, via one of the all-time great abuses of dialectics, essentially believe that nuclear armageddon is a pre-requisite to socialism. It's more common, however, to find such grinding fruitcakery among the Maoist movement, and - perhaps with the exception of the Khmer Rouge - the MIM is definitely the highlight of the bunch.

Who are they?
Basically, they're a bunch of academics who decided to form a political party in the mid-80s. Their unique selling-points are numerous - most superficially obvious is their somewhat nonsensical approach to spelling, whereby the United States of America is rendered as "United $nakes of Amerikkka", woman and person as "womyn" and "persyn", Western Europe as WeSStern Europe (see what they did there?). Reading an MIM article, one constantly has to pinch oneself that these are not sexually frustrated 14 year-olds doing this, but fully grown, apparently-intelligent adults - particularly if you happen to be reading one of their legendary video game reviews. They are also all celibate, since sex under patriarchy is (duh!) always rape.

Their most famous fetish, however, is a more fundamental one. MIM has come to the conclusion that the American - sorry, Amerikkkan - working class has been entirely bought off by imperialism, and no "domestic" revolution is possible. Rather, the whole third world will have to have a big revolutionary jamboree, and invade the imperialist countries. Yes. You read that right. It's really up there with Xenu and the Celstial Teapot, isn't it? Some even go that bit further and demand that the entirety of the U$A (and presumably, everywhere else lucky to have a nomenclatural remix) be turned into one big gulag. This, it must be said, is not the mainstream opinion in the group - but neither side of this debate seems able to answer the burning question: what is the point of being a MIMaoist party in a country which has no need of one? Why, to put it bluntly, don't they all bugger off to Gambia or whatever?

Membership: Well, there can't be many of them (wouldn't that completely prove them wrong?). Their terror of the State knows no bounds, so they act all anonymous like those hacker dudes in the X-Files - articles are written by" MIM Comrade #XYZ". (Bit like the Khmer Rouge.)

Of course, a meaner man than I might interpret this irrational fear as a desperate bit of posturing from a group simply dying to appear completely radical and revolutionary, but whose political fetishes can neccessarily lead their practical work no further than bigging up liberal femin-o-lawyer Catherine MacKinnon.

Pros: I'm glad somebody's reviewing computer games. I mean, who hasn't played C&C: Generals and thought to oneself - is this the most imperialist computer game ever?

Cons: See all that stuff up there.

Verdict: Fruitcakes.