I wish the Lord would take me now...

Well, it takes a lot to generate in my icy breast sympathy for Manchester United fans, but somewhere between scenes of horrific police brutality in Rome and...well, over to you, Martin "One Gobshite To Rule Them All" Kettle...

Football is for foul-mouthed people who should get a life.

Yes. You heard the comrade, you disgusting proles. Fuck off. And best of all, the future............is golf.

Golf?

Golf?

What the fuck is wrong with this man's brain that he can consider golf to be a "people's game"? When has golf ever been played by anything other than the ruling class of the day? It's like a rite of passage. The day your revolution is complete is the day you commence work on your handicap (whatever the fuck that means - explain it to me adequately and I'll paypal you twenty pence). It certainly fits quite nicely up with bourgeois values. Why has our reprehensible turncoat picked this over similarly paced and mannered games such as cricket? Cricket is, for a start, too popular. Some smelly poor people like it. The barmy army even drink...whisper it...lager, instead of a nice pinot noir. but above all, cricket - like football, like other games unencumbered with hooliganism such as rugbies union and league, basketball and so on, but utterly unlike golf - is a team sport. Too "tribal" for you, Marty? Well so was class politics. Funny that.

The biggest joke of all is that, in decades, this man has not propounded a single remotely leftwing position, but still claims to be a "progressive". The punchline is that, in spite of everything, his primary evidence for this is that he - you know - used to be a communist. Communism is dead, except to the extent that it functions as an alibi for my reactionary crap. Keep that bitch on life support, nurse - there's a round of privatisations coming up and I've got some 5th columning to do.

Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket.

The fucking moon.